Self State

Q: How can you ever truly know if you can trust someone?

A: This is a question that has come up often recently amongst all age groups and asked by both men and women. In my experience there’s no discrimination when it comes to the issue of trust, we are all vulnerable in this regard, that is until we have established some definite truths in ourselves.

Before you go any further in the analysis of your relationship to trust, clarify something personally, individually, make a note of what trust means to you, what do you mean when you say you trust someone? We’ll continue this thread at the end.

We all know that issues of trust are closely related to two aspects of our personality, the first is our past experiences and how we have interpreted them with respect to what they say about us, and the second is the expectations we put on others based on our hopes and fears. Exploring our personal and unique blue print around this issue by first looking at our personal experiences and then outlining our expectations of those in relation with us, is the perfect starting point. This will give us the data we require to identify our habits and behaviours further when exploring the issue of trust from a much more interesting perspective, that which Gurdjieff referred to as the multiplicity of “I’s,” and that tool which we can all use to identify ourselves and others for who they truly are, “Our Values”.

A good place to start is to assess yourself with respect to trust, how trustworthy are you? Honestly? This will to some extent answer what you can tolerate from others relative to their proximity to you. The closer and older the relationship, the stronger your expectations are enforced. In some areas we are less likely to behave according to social conforms and acceptances, based on the amount of nurturing and discipline that we experienced growing up, we establish our own stance to society’s rules of conduct and behaviour. Based on how our guardians related to one another and to us, we establish how we will expect others tho relate to us. Therefore if a child experienced abandonment from a parent, they’re more likely to fear abandonment and expect it in relationships when they are older. Simply put, our childhood relationships will be mirrored in our adulthood unless there is a conscious intervention to alter this. If a child has been abused by a family member upon whom they are dependent, the trust in that relationship is broken and therefore the child grows with a defective relationship to authority and personal relationships. This will be the mirror of the cycle of their relationships, which is ultimately a reflection of their relationship with themselves.

These are the patterns we must begin to observe in ourselves. What we may ideally expect from our relations and what we experience may be two different things. How is this? A young child  who experienced the wrath of an aggressive father may grow up to experience the same attitude in an authoritative figure, e.g. a boss at work. The way that others relate to us, sometimes instinctively, without knowing us, is very much based on the early experiences which built our self image, the one we project on an instinctive level. This is something that will take a period of self reflective analysis to explore properly.

Once we have had a good look at our own individual circumstances, observed the patterns and noted the cycles, we can gain some level of control over the relationships we choose to have, because the image we project of ourselves will be one of self awareness of a particular set of values. The secret power of self awareness is that it recognises awareness in others. The stronger your powers of observation are in yourself, the more you are able to observe others, the more data you collect in your own habits, behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, insecurities etc, the more data you will be able to observe in others.

Now, beneath the personalities that clothe each of us in our individuality, our naked truths are the same. This is where Gurdjieff was the master of all observers, he knew what it truly meant that humans have a multiplicity of I’s. A man goes to bed promising himself to awaken the next morning fresh and early and go for a morning run. Morning comes and another part of him silences the alarm clock. Between these two I’s in him, there is a disappointing sense of a lack of will and achievement and a third critical I is empowered. One day he promises its his last packet of cigarettes, the next day he makes up for the tension he caused for himself. Humans are multiple beings, they have multiple desires, multiple commitments, a multiplicity of opposing needs, hopes, dreams and promises unkept. One day its “till death do us part” and the next its “see you later”.

How does this relate to the issues of trust? On a natural and instinctive level, it demonstrates that you can only trust one another to be ever changing, to be a multiplicity and to some extent to abide by the social conforms and rules that govern the particular community you happen to inhabit.

More than this the concept of trust that we hold close to our hearts is related to a sense of safety, honour and promise. So we may trust guardians to protect their children, we may trust our friends with respect to the honour we bestow upon them to be in relationship with us, and we may trust those we enter into a promissory or legally recongnised relationship with, such as spouses, contractors, business partners etc. However more often in reality we see that the trust that is natural in these relationships is broken by one or both parties due to a lack of commitment to the values that the relationships were based on.

So what does this mean? Can we not trust others? Can we only trust them to act in a manner of inconsistency and therefore can we no longer hold someone accountable for the promises they make or the value of their responsibilities, for e.g. of a parent to child? To some extent the truth is that we cannot trust anyone to be as we expect them to be, ordinarily human nature does not enjoy the discipline that can merit trust in the absolute sense of its meaning. In reality in most modern societies all our relationships are governed by rules of conduct, religious beliefs, social customs, and laws that instill a sense of responsibility, fear and punishment in response to the question of trust. However, although this may resolve a financial loss, it may resolve a custody case, it may prove as an example, yet it does nothing to answer the real question, nor provide a real solution to the problem of trust.

If you truly wish to trust someone, you must first identify what trust means to you. Where do you stand in your relationship with yourself? Are you certain about who you are? Have you defined yourself? Are you certain about what your values are? Are you certain that in your relationships you project your sense of self worth and your values to your benefit? Or do you act to your detriment? If you are certain about these answers, then you are unchanging where they are concerned,  you know who you are and can hold yourself accountable and responsible. If you are not certain about your values then you must leave room for a multiplicity of experiences to manifest in that area. As with all things, if you don’t know what you want, then you’ll get whatever comes.

When you are identifying others, remove your expectations from them, let them manifest their own values, and observe what rules they govern with over themselves. Observe their values and where they are not defined, then you must leave room for multiplicity.

The truth is that we can only trust others to be themselves, to be the manifestations of their beliefs and values, and their multiplicities. Beyond that we must first learn to establish our own values, learn to trust ourselves in manifesting them, and then attract those who share the same values and common goals. To that end we can trust them to act in order to fulfill the shared values and goals.

Our understanding of trust is in constant evolution. Our hopes and ideals are that we may live in a mutually responsible state of consciousness, of mutual respect and love, which ultimately equates to mutual trust. Or does it? Change is the only constant, and in today’s world change is the only norm, change in minds, change in hearts, change in jobs, change in partners, change in parents, change in children, we can trust this to be the norm. Therefore what can we really trust and rely on? What we stand for, our personal and shared values, they never change.

Recently a growing number of people have expressed their difficulties in understanding why they can’t find the energy to study, or why they can’t stop smoking even when it harms them, or why they can’t focus on their goals, and instead end up doing things that distract them.

In essence these are all referring to an inability to Master themselves, and having become familiar with the teachings of Gurdjieff on the relationship between the emotional, intellectual and physical centres of our beings,I wanted to share some interesting points in this post that might help to guide the way.

Gurdjieff made an interesting analogy where he compared the body, intellect and emotions, to a carriage with a driver and horses. The carriage is the body, the horses are the emotions, and the driver is the intellect.

This analogy is designed to show you that something very important is missing without which, the horses, the carriage and the driver, can wander around aimlessly, without serving a particular purpose. Each with their own idea of what they should be doing.

Therefore when the intellect says lets not smoke anymore, lets wake up early in the morning and go for a run, lets meditate, lets study etc etc.. the body says I’m too sleepy, tired, cold, hot etc.. and the emotions say but I’m too angry, sad, tense or happy to.

Such is the relationship between the horse, carriage and driver, that they cannot rule over one another. They often steal one another’s energy to do their own work, and they have a broken communication between themselves, that is, they do not speak the same language.

The missing figure is the Master, the Master which now gives a purpose to the very existence of the horse, carriage and driver.

We know that the carriage represents the body, the horses represent the emotions and the driver represents the intellect. And what does the Master represent? Awareness.

Awareness is the very substance of Consciousness, it is the part that is able to Observe, Witness and Discern. It is also the part that is meant to rule and be the will for the horses, carriage and driver to carry out their functions.

This means that without Awareness, or the Master telling the driver where to go, the driver may wander aimlessly, going near or far, with no point to its exercise. As the function of the driver is to drive, he doesn’t care where he goes, he was made for driving and nothing else, he may enjoy driving well, but that still does not give him a purpose, only a refined ability.

Without the Master the horses would get no training, emotions run wild,  the intellect only drives the carriage, it can’t tame the emotions, they will wander haphazardly running wild one minute, still the next, always sloppy and unrefined, causing a scene!

Without the Master making sure that the carriage is kept clean, it would soon become wrecked and uninhabitable.

We are all only Awareness that is carried and expressed by the body, intellect and emotions.

It is the Master’s responsibility to look after, train, nourish and maintain the horses, carriage and driver. The Master must feed to nourish the body that carries him, making sure it’s kept clean, the mechanisms work properly, and it is habitable. He must communicate with precision and clarity to his driver where he wants to go, so that his driver can plan the journey ahead, and make the necessary calculations. The emotions that energise, accompany and carry him forward on his journey, need to be trained and learn to respond with availability and presence to different stimuli.

The Master is the Awareness that is embodied in the physical body. This physical reality is an organism that the Master animates, without him, it would cease to exist. He is Awareness.

When there is confusion, and the driver wanders off the path way, it is because the intellect is trying to direct the way for the Master, wandering off aimlessly, costing him time and resources, getting  lost and confused. It can’t discern the way because it does not share the purpose of the Master, it is the driver of his carriage, and it can only organise what it is told to.

When there is an outburst of negative emotions, it is because the horses tried to direct the way, without his guidance this isn’t possible, for they are only reactive to stimulants, and have not got the ability to discern when to roam, and when to be still.

When the body is lazy, addicted, and ill, it is because the carriage tried to take charge, and couldn’t maintain deliberate actions, habitual in its manner, it got used to being without discipline, and unknowing of the difference between that which is good for it, and that which makes it ill.

Without the Master, they each tried to execute their will upon the other. The intellect tried to rule over the emotions, and failed miserably because they did not speak the same language. So for a while the intellect ignored the emotions, and tried to pull the carriage alone, but found that without the energy of the emotions, there was no movement, like a carriage without its horses.

The emotions then tried to direct they way, but crashed and rose inconsistently, wasting energy, and causing fatigue and illness in the body. The body then tried its hand at ruling, and got lost in consuming and achieved nothing.

They didn’t know how to work together, they didn’t know what language the other speaks, they didn’t share a common goal, and they didn’t have a common direction.

They only lived to satisfy themselves. They soon learned that each has its own specific functions, and that they could only determine their own work, and not the work of the others. But they needed training to do their jobs properly.

The struggle between these three, and their broken relationship is clear to the Master and invisible to the eyes of those who have not yet seen it. Most people go through their whole lives living in this struggle and eventually wear themselves out, never becoming aware of which part of their horses and carriage they are satisfying. Certainly they lack Awareness and no matter how hard they try, without Awareness, the results are just incomplete.

The Master’s throne was empty for a long time, when they had enough of squabbling amongst themselves, they prepared for him to come in. When the Master first came to take charge, they were afraid, lazy, arrogant, ignorant and failing. After the Master has been there a little while, they listened to his direction, and now they are tamed. Now they know their rightful owner, and they know that they must be directed or else they will cause havoc. Now they serve willingly and happily, for they love the Harmony they share together, and the fulfilment of achieving their purpose individually.

With the ability of his insight, the Master knows what each of them needs to take him on his journey efficiently, he put them on a regime and following it, they are content in his service.

With his input they have all come to learn about themselves, they know what’s good for them and how to produce efficient and useful efforts. He knows how far to stretch them, and when to give them rest, what kinds of foods to nourish them with, and when to say no!

Once it becomes clear though, it is impossible to ignore, and with a regime of constant Observation, which requires the Master to be fully Awake and Present, which the Master does naturally, it is possible to identify when each part is doing their own work, and when they are not. In those times it is possible for the Master to intervene, and train the parts to manage and deal with their own work efficiently, and not become a hindrance to the work of the others.

In all, once the three have begun to function properly, a good functioning horse and carriage, with a ready driver, they can take the Master where he wishes to go. As for the purpose of the Master, well, now that would be telling!

Q- In the current times of economical, spiritual, emotional and rational difficulty and confusion, how can we really know what we want out of life?

S.D. London

A: From the very beginning of our time, due to the limited amount of knowledge possessed by our species, we have suffered difficulty. We are limited in our knowledge of ourselves, who we are, what we are, how we function, what our capacities and capabilities are, and more importantly what our purpose is. As individuals, or a collective species that does not know who it is, and what it’s purpose is, anything that we may want out of life will always feel somewhat disconnected, irrelevant, and will ultimately cause conflict and pain, both individually and collectively.

Without a definite purpose, which at first requires real knowledge about the self, both individually and more so collectively, our goals will only manifest from our personal and subjective needs. To that end we are passive and subjective beings, ultimately making an effort to fulfill a personality lack. This could be economical, environmental, emotional, educational, or whatever your think you need to do.

There are of course various misconceptions about our purpose here, we are firstly not guests, but responsible service men to the societies in which we live. We each maintain a personal responsibility and accountability to the large and small societies which we inhabit, these are our families, communities and companies. Our progress will depend on the quantity or quality of our contributions to those who we share a common purpose with, those you live and work with and for.

Unfortunately the majority of us believe that life is merely a gift rather than a responsibility. Well we know that we value our gifts from a selfish and consumptive perspective and behaviour. Which means that we would rather indulge in gifts rather than value the service and purpose behind it. Can you see the relationship with our present culture? You can count on one thing, if someone is giving you a gift, it’s with the motive of gaining some sort of ownership over you. Nothing is free.The very basis for our desires, needs, wants and motives in life are based on a limited, subjective perspective. We therefore find the “new age race for happiness” is ironically tainted with great dissatisfaction with life. There are of course many out there selling peace, happiness and love. However there is a condition, that will require you to chase and live for fantasies and dreams, whilst the true reality will pass by you, and you will ignore and fear it along with any responsibilities it may pose at you.

Today our knowledge of ourselves, our history and our multi-dimensional capabilities, will turn what we think we know about ourselves on it’s head. It will also transform what we believe to be our purpose here. Our personal goals without serious consideration, and work on the self, can only be described as a stagnation of what we are, therefore as mindless indulgences manifested in economical, educational and emotional resourcing of whatever spiritual, intellectual, inspirational, material food we hunger and greed for.

In reality what you want can be categorised into what you need and what  you desire, based on your personal development. This also suggests that you can increase your needs by developing yourself. Initially though, you must cover what you need with respect to the environment you are living in, these are your common shelter, nourishment and opportunities, that you will require for living and growth. What you desire is then based on your subjective personality needs, the needs which will counteract what you perceive to be lack in your life.

However on a conscious level, you may realise that what you really want out of life is not to be passively ignorant of it’s horrors, and subjectively indulgent of it’s beauties, but rather to fulfill your purpose, and maximise your potential, you may want to be consciously living with awareness, with the ability to accept presence with all its magnificence and atrocities, and effectively identify where it is,  that you may contribute to the advancement, and improvement of the fulfillment of our collective purpose.

Q – If you have to choose between the head and the heart, what would you choose to make you happy?

A.L. London

A – Happiness occurs rarely for the majority of human beings, this is because they are often in conflict with one another and with themselves. What does it mean to be in conflict with oneself? It means that there is a multiplicity of desires within you and that in satisfying one you are sacrificing another, which ultimately causes you confusion, dissatisfaction and pain.

Your values are the assets that you will assign to the 8 fields which sum up the entirety of the areas of your life, and personal growth which are; body & mind, health & spirit, career & wealth, relationships & community. They determine what goals you have in each field and and how you will achieve those goals. Your beliefs are the rules that you will live  by whilst achieving your values and what you will judge your actions and the actions of others by. They will also determine your boundaries and your limitations in each area.

For each area of our lives, however active we think we may or may not be in that area, we have developed and are living according to our values and beliefs. Often in each area we have developed multiple sets of values and beliefs and sometimes these may be in conflict with one another causing a duality or multiplicity within us. Therefore when we act on them they cause us pain because we are sacrificing one set of values and beliefs for another.

When your centres are aligned, like the mind and the heart, they move forward together, in one direction, with clarity, precision and certainty towards a common goal. Then we can experience true fulfillment and happiness enrich our lives. For the most part the initial common goal of all your centers is self observation, a way of gathering enough data to be able to look at yourself and evaluate yourself objectively.

Like all things happiness will begin in your consciousness. A deep seated gratification for your very existence, for being and for acknowledging your being dwells in your heart, which must be expressed in your own individual way. Through practicing and understanding this gratification, which is an appreciation of your being, you will develop an honest picture of the values and beliefs by which you live and the values and beliefs which truly represent who you are.

In our natural state the bulk of what we think and do is determined by the external world to us. Television, media, schools, peers determine for us by showing us in example who we ought to be and how we ought to live . They educate us on our values and beliefs, the very dear values and beliefs which we hold on to and fight for with our lives, are often determined by external bodies and not by our own efforts. We would have to study ourselves and one another and then evaluate our findings objectively and without judgement before determining our own individual values and beliefs truly.

Instead our brain takes in all the data it is given and we become the things we think about, the dramas and the false ideas, the limited perceptions of our communities and environments and the negative and dark realities that begin to influence who we think we are and the world we think we live in.

The majority of people feel unfulfilled and detached from themselves. They feel a gap between who they are and who they wish to be, this gap is real and it is determined by actions that we take on a daily basis which distance us from ourselves.

If you are not happy, it is because whatever you are doing that is not aligned with your true self, it is causing you to move away from yourself and this distance from the self hurts.

When you are not aligned with your true self, your true desires are not fulfilled and you feel a deep dissatisfaction with the world and yourself in it. This alignment does not occur naturally, this alignment requires a constant work on oneself to become conscious, to re-evaluate ourselves and the world we think we live in and to create a new future for ourselves. It is possible to become completely lost and stuck in this great dissatisfaction for the entirety of our lives. It is also possible to relieve yourself of the great dissatisfaction with the help of those who have done so before you. Ultimately the choice is yours, to get different results, you must act differently.

“Self-observation brings man to the realization of the necessity of self-change. And in observing himself a man notices that self-observation itself brings about certain changes in his inner processes. He begins to understand that self-observation is an instrument of self-change, a means of awakening.” George Gurdjieff

Working on ourselves, self improvement and self development have always been a part of who we are as human beings. Always growing, always looking for the better, always trying to achieve more. It’s our natural tendency.

As part of the work that we do on ourselves any sincere developments must be done by way of self observation. Self observation is at first the idea we have of being able to see ourselves for what we are. In practice it is the recording of our habitual ways of thinking, feeling, moving and being in order to develop a backlog of data about ourselves which we can later use to understand and correct ourselves. As we are we need to align ourselves and awaken, this can only be achieved through long term self observation.

Self observation is the key to self consciousness, to knowing ourselves without which there is no work to be done on ourselves. Therefore self observation is the tool for becoming aware, conscious beings. There are many things that stand in the way of self observation; imagination, lack of attention and a lack of understanding about how to correctly observe ourselves. If we succeed to experience self observation we soon realise that we cannot observe ourselves for long periods of time, because our old habits which used to prevent us from observing now won’t let us observe ourselves.

However  it is only by way of observing ourselves that we can correctly arrive to a point of change, real sincere change, in confidence, in stopping bad habits, in understanding why we enter the same failing relationships, why we suffer from depression and anxiety, why we eat the things we do, why we are living and working exactly where we are as who we are and why we love to moan about it.

Self observation is the optimum pathway to any work on oneself and to self consciousness, without which any work done on ourselves is superficially  and temporarily adopted, not understood and will soon fail. Lasting change is the by-product of self observation.

Self observation is the mirror of all truths, sincere and powerful it is the only objective answer that matters, if we can succeed to observe ourselves we soon learn that everything else that we have known till now literally made no sense.

If you would like to learn more about this and be coached contact SelfState.

I often get asked about what coaching is and who it is for so I am writing this in order to shed some light on the matter.

Firstly Coaching is not for everyone. Every good coach will tell you that they only want to work with clients who are committed to the work and will in fact turn down clients who do not make an effort to fulfill their part of the coaching relationship. Coaching is a fantastic opportunity and not to be taken lightly. It is a modern method of communication and it is becoming increasingly popular in the corporate field because it is so powerful and effective. Those who have been lucky enough to work with a personal coach will have a lot to say about its benefits.

Secondly coaching is for open minded people who demonstrate a flexible and willing attitude to trying something new. Most people think they are open minded but they are confusing this with being accepting of others who are different to them. That’s all well and good, but what open mindedness really means is that you are willing to change your own mind, and behave differently yourself! If you have been doing the same thing over and over and achieved the same dead end results, then you have to be willing to try and do something differently in order to get the results you want. It sounds simple but changing our minds, and doing things differently to how we used to do them is one of the hardest things we can do, which with the help of a coach is made easier to understand and practice.

Thirdly coaching is for people who are willing to take a risk. Clients are asked to explore new and different possibilities to the ones they are used to exploring, and for this reason they need to be willing to look at old things in a new way, and look at new things with an open mind. People who take risks in life, understand that half the success is in taking the risk, the other half is in making it work. Because in fact  in life there is no failure or success, there is only working towards achieving the outcomes we want, or not! This is an extremely empowering concept that can be experienced through coaching, and if understood can be very useful and liberating in life. Coaching provides the support and encouragement which turns an uncertain risk into a secure opportunity.

Fourthly coaching is for people who want to get the most out of themselves and their lives. People who come to coaches want to get as much as is possible out of their time and efforts. They want to explore as many new avenues as possible, and stretch their comfort zones as far as possible. They want to put in the extra time, effort and resources to help them achieve their goals. They are willing to learn new skills, they are happy to experiment and see what works for them and how they work best. They want to  look at themselves and the world with fresh eyes and clarity. They want to feel differently about influences from experiences, and people that have held them back from being independently, individually complete. They appreciate life and all it has to offer as much as possible.

Fifth, coaching is for those who want to improve aspects of their life and personal performance that already works for them. Coaching will facilitate these client to observe, and know themselves by increasing their self awareness in order to enhance what they are doing right so that they can achieve the maximum and best results for themselves. Again this is a really empowering journey, and will lead to increased self awareness, personal satisfaction and great for self confidence.

Finally coaching is for those who want to take responsibility for their lives. All clients who come to work with a coach are ultimately taking responsibility for the development of an aspect of their life. A coach will facilitate clients to explore their opportunities in depth, and then exercise the choice of experiencing and realising the path that will bring them the greatest fulfillment and enrich their life.

In short the summary is that coaching is for people who are passionate about personal development. It is for people who do not want to be bound by their past, and are willing to take a risk and explore the possibilities they can offer themselves in their future. Coaching is for people who are willing and eager to make a change in their own mind and life. It is not a therapy nor an offering, coaching is the chance to do a work on one self. It facilitates a way of thinking, observing and behaving which is geared towards attaining success. That success differs in meaning from person to person, but the end goal is the same for all, it fulfills an inner purpose.